I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I have aggressive nipples.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
