I'm gonna have a badass scar
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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