I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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