I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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