I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
