i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
