I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Houston, we have a blender
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
