my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
