I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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