i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
