My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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