I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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