Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
