I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
