Princesses don't give blow jobs
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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