I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
