He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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