he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Watching her eat just hurts me
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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