That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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