one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I should be sponsored by Trojan
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
