I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
