i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
