You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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