I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
