Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
