You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
