i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
