That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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