I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
