The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
