She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
