You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
