So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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