I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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