its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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