This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
