sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
