I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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