Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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