guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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