had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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