I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
