We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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