I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The beer is more important than you right now.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
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