oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
