The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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