Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
