she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
