Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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