Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
