its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
