mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
