Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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